Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
