Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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