ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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