I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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