So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize