what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
