why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
