She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
