How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
