it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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