Taylor Swift is so right about you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
