Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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