i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
