My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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