you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
