Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
