Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i've created a new STD.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
