omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
