I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize