Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
