if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
