When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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