it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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