This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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