You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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