All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize