how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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