you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
