did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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