After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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