soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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