Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
