You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
