I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What a dumb baby whore.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
