I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
