He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
