If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
