Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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