Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
