I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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