This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
