he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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