You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
