I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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