Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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