her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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