his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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