She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
