Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
