I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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