She just used a chaser for red wine.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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