Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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