I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
