Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
