How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Houston, we have a squirter
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
