i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
