Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
