Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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