come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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